Dealing with Anger

Some people have more problems than others dealing with anger. They either try to deny or ignore their feelings and keep them inside, or overreact and "blow-up." These negative coping strategies can be physically and emotionally unhealthy. Pretending we don't feel badly can have long-term effects that may eventually cause us to "lose it." Conversely, psychological research shows that acting out your anger will not relieve it, but instead will make it more intense. We can learn to control or diffuse anger by how we think about the event or people involved and by finding other ways to regain our sense of control and security. Anger can also mask other emotions, such as grief, loss, or fear. It is important to address these related emotions as a way to deal with angry feelings.

Controlling Your Anger

• Admit you are angry
• Recognize this is a common reaction to an overwhelming event. It is how you control and manage your reaction that makes the difference
• Try to identify the related emotions that may be fuelling your anger, (e.g., sorrow, fear.)
• Find appropriate outlets for these related and equally important emotions, (e.g., talk with family members or friends, seek grief counselling, get involved in activities to help victims, etc.)
• Understand that it not just the actual event that drives your anger, but how you think about it
• Develop a "positive" outlook and look for what can be done to help rather than harm
• Stop, take a deep breath, visualize something peaceful or enjoyable, and try to relax for a few minutes
• Avoid/decrease negative ways to cope, such as misuse of alcohol or drugs
• Find an acceptable outlet, such as exercise, getting involved with your favourite hobby, sports
• Distract yourself from continuing to think about the event -- call a friend, go to a movie
• Keep a sense of humour
• Turn off the TV and radio; play your favourite music
• Keep to your daily routines
• Consult your doctor or a mental health specialist if your reactions continue to intensify, or you feel like doing harm to yourself or others
• If you are seeing a mental health professional, be sure to share your angry feelings with him or her

Helping Children Control Anger

• Realize they will imitate your responses and reactions
• Let them understand anger is a normal emotion under these circumstances that can even include feelings of revenge. However, acting out anger, hurting others, and uncontrolled anger is not okay
• Answer their questions honestly and openly; but always consider their developmental age
• Make time to talk to the child(ren) about their reaction to the events
• Have child(ren) come up with ideas on how to help those who have been injured, left homeless, or otherwise effected by the tragedy
• Teach them to stop, take a deep breath, and imagine a restful scene or enjoyable activity for a few minutes as a way to relax
• Turn off the TV and make sure violence in the media is restricted or monitored
• Try to understand and encourage children to talk about their fears/sense of loss
• Try to help them see how they would feel if someone hurt, yelled at, or hit them.
• Sports, exercise, or other physical activity can be quite helpful
• Be flexible in discipline and monitor your reactions to their misbehaviours
• Seek mental health or physician consultation if these reactions do not clear up after 30 days
• Keep family and school routines; get back to a normal life schedule as soon as possible

Warning Signs of Serious Emotional Trauma

While strong emotional reactions to traumatic events are normal, most will fade over the following weeks and most children soon will be able to resume normal activities with minimal displays of anger or anxiety. However, if any of the following symptoms or behaviours continue beyond a few weeks, or if any of these symptoms are exhibited to such a degree that it severely impacts the child's ability to participate in school or home activities, parents and teachers should seek mental health services for evaluation and possible treatment.

• Disruption in peer relationships (little or no interactions with friends, significant increase in conflict with classmates or friend)
• Strained family relationships (high degree of misbehaviour, lashing out against family members, refusal to participate in normal family routines)
• Significant decrease in school performance
• On-going physical complaints with no apparent cause
• Use of chemicals, alcohol (or increase in comparison to previous behaviour)
• Repeated nightmares and reporting strong fears of death, violence, etc
• Repetitive play re-enacting the traumatic events
• Low self-esteem, negative talk about self (if this was not apparent prior to the trauma)
• General lack of energy and lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities

Parents and teachers can help children overcome traumatic effects of a tragedy or incident and use the process as an opportunity to teach them how to cope more effectively and deal with new challenges.